7. Vomit.

So here it is. I'm all patched up again; the duct tape is set in place and the holes all patched up.

I'm strapped up straight in my battle armor- tight turtlenecks, gray slacks, and the blackest pair of bitch-kickers you-ever-did-see. I lie to people and get paid for it, convince them I provide salvation, yet provide nothing. Straight out of the Catholic Church Playbook; they should allow women to be priests. (And I wouldn't even touch the altar boys; I swear.) I am the company's top performer- bringing in six figures for this old company and running figure eights around my older company. I feel no pride and I feel no guilt; just dial in the numbers and repeat my award-winning formula. Feel the too-cold air conditioning, feel the pats on my head. Feel that there is no feeling. Ignore that there is no feeling. Run away from the fact that there is no feeling. No feeling, no feeling, no feeling.

And I am a slate. Write your business plan on me. Erase it and write your lesson plan. Erase it and leave me blank; I just wait until someone brands me again. I pay to be filled up with assets, liabilities, society, Mesopotamian creation stories. $650 from my bank for my marks, A B C D FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF in dry erase marker. I think critically on and on and on and and use every dollar of critical thought until I can't handle myself. Throw away the white board cleaning spray, thrown away my tuition change (hah.) and open the jar at the last moment-shake the piggy bank and shatter it on the ground. Show the teacher what a pretty pattern the pennies make on the sidewalk and prey that after some critical thought, they give me an A.

And all the while, I dream. My hands dream as they take down a customer's address.......................................2280 Kuhio Avenue, APT 1080............their phone number on my tongue..............808.459.22222222222222222222zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............discuss how family has socialized you..........................letting go, wrapping my hand around the rock and pushing off into the sky behind everyone else..............due date a week from today.................and the sand is so endless.............

And it only gets quiet when he's near.
And I don't know which I'd rather more.
But I know I wouldn't be able to handle less.
So I'm just a vessel-
fill me up till I'm full.