If you had asked me what was my main wish in high school, I would have sent you to listen to Augustana's "Boston". I would have shown you pictures of Greece and Rome and Turkey. I would have said "to get the hell out."
And I did. I got out, I lived, and I crashed. My year in Hawaii was the most beautiful disaster I'm sure I'll ever expierence. A secluded rock outcropping on the tip of North Shore saw the best moment of my life and a bathroom shower in an apartment building in Waikiki prompted my worst. It was the kind of artful life I'd always hoped for, that I strove to reach.
And it didn't work out. It changed me in ways that, so I'm told, are undesirable. I can feel it in my chest- the laziness, the bitterness, the doubt. The stifled voice that used to ring out so clearly in my head-gone. I'm not the same girl. I'm not as good as the girl.
My goal is to be stable but still new. I'm taking classes at a community college so that I can still have the opportunities I had before. I'm choosing a stable major in which I know I can excel and make my family proud. There's nothing wrong with keeping all my options open. I'm working full-time to reaffirm my ability to remain committed and responsible to a project longer than a month. I still pay for my bills and hold my tongue in my parents home.
But I am working towards a college in the city. I'm in writers and art journaling groups- venues that are moving me towards sending out my art and manuscripts. These organizations are helping me to find that voice in my head again- the egotistical quips that used to flow so easily are starting trickle back into my body. The confidence tingles in my toes sometimes. It's only for a few seconds, and afterwards, I still have to turn on the t.v. to hear the voices that distract me from loneliness. Most the town doesn't understand the changes, maybe doesn't even see them, but it's okay. I read a quote that said courage isn't always a roar- sometimes its leaving quietly at the end of the day, vowing to try all over again tomorrow.
Well, I guess this is the "tomorrow". And here I am, trying. I'm still reaching for the poetry, the art, the flight. This isn't the place I thought I'd find it, but better that it exists somewhere rather than nowhere at all.
